Tell a joke Tuesday

Tell a joke Tuesday

Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh.
Quick note= until further notice please leave your link in you comment thank you.



Here's my jokes and funny stuff for this week.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie." Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!" There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." Stuttering Problem A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???" The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you." The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is." The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords." The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?" The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering." The guy says, "Dddo it!" The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!" The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!" here are my jokes for this week. please feel free to join in Tell a joke Tuesday I look forward to reading your jokes

I can feel the air clearing

I'm not sure if I really explained before that for the last six months me and my mother had a lodger living with us. He is my nieces boyfriend and when she fell pregnant he moved out here with no where to live. My sister asked me and my mother if we would put him up for a while, we agreed but for my nieces sake. The arrangement was it would be temporary thing, he would be looking for a job the very next day and the would be looking for place every day and should be out in a few weeks a couple of months at he most. he moved in and the days rolled past but he seemed to not be trying quite as hard as he could, neither of them seemed to be making any effort to get there own place. the days turned in to weeks and still nothing. but it was starting to become a bit of a pain. me and my mother had no space to be our selves, before he moved in I would stay down stairs and talk to my Jenn. I couldn't really do that with him sleeping on the sofa. As I am sure anyone who has been in this situation can imagine it was very restrictive, He is a good kid but I just didn't have any private time for me and Jenn anywhere beyond my own bedroom. It didn't feel fair, If I had that same chance to be with my Jenn I wouldn't waist it away sat there doing nothing, I would be out every minute of a working day looking for a job. I wouldn't care what job I did. I always said and still say now I would clean toilets full of sick and poop with my bear hands, and I would do it with a smile on my face if it ment me been with my Jenn. I will do anything to be with my Jenn. Anyway back to the story, as the weeks rolled by little progress seemed to be made by them. after about 4 months I had to say something to my niece, told her that they needed to get another place fast, the baby wouldn't wait for them to get a place and time was ticking until the baby was born. I told them they needed to get their act together there would not be enough room for them once the baby was born. I Think my words broke through, two weeks after my words, they got a place. So nearly six months after he moved in. they have their own place, I can feel the air clearing. What I mean by that is that it felt like their was no room to breath, no privacy for me and my Jenn. no time to be able to think, no freedom. But now the house is back to normal. I can think again I, I can breath and I can concentrate on the thing that is the most important thing in my life. My beautiful Jenn and getting back to her.

If there is one lesson I can teach any of you from this experience then It would be this.
Be kind and give freely and without want for reward.
but however if you should ever have a lodger that is not a relative or a loved one or a close friend then before you have them move in, place the ground rules and stick to them, and possibly most important of all put a time limit on how long they can stay before they move in. trust me on this

A man's point of view

When I was a kid in the 80's there were horrors such as Salem's lot or hell raiser. they would literally scare me to death, I would have to sleep with the light on for weeks. these movies were scary.

There were zombie movies and Dracula was still sucking blood.
Qatermass and the pit, house on haunted hill. I.T by Stephen king.

They are undisputed classics.

What ever happened to these kind of movies.

Today's horrors barley make me raise a eyebrow. they look fake and they are all remakes of the above named movies. I truly believe that they are now running out of ideas. Can you think of a horror movie beyond the year 2000 that scared you like they did in the 80's?.


I think the last movie that scared me was called devils advocate. it is a awesome movie and I would recommend it to anyone out there.

Maybe its not the movie retail business that's dying but in fact the the movie making side of it that's running dry of ideas, who knows.

Tell a joke Tuesday Spotlight

Welcome to tell a joke Tuesday spotlight.

This week the spotlight is shining on,,,,

Jillien.

Well done Jillien.

Here is your winning joke.

A man walks into a psychologist office wearing nothing but a see-thru shower curtain.. The psychologist turns to the man and after a moment's evaluation, he says: "I can clearly see your nuts."

Great joke.

Jillien this weeks spotlight is on you.

Tell a joke Tuesday

Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh.
Quick note= until further notice please leave your link in you comment thank you.



Here's my jokes and funny stuff for this week.


A pregnant woman is involved in a bank robbery and gets shot three times. She slips in to a coma for three months. When she awakens the first thing she notices is her stomach is flat. She shouts for the doctor who enters the room and explains that she was shot in the stomach three times and the shock sent her in to a coma, He also explained that she gave birth to three healthy children two girls and one boy she is sent home and 18 years pass by.
She is at home and is preparing lunch for the kids, suddenly one of the daughters comes running down the stairs crying and screaming. the mother calms her down and asks what had happened, the daughter explains that she had gone to the bathroom and while she was pooping bullet fell i to the toilet and it came from her behind. The mother realises what happened and explains to the daughter about the incident years ago.
The next day the mother is in the garden hanging the washing her other daughter comes running out crying and screaming, the mother says whats wrong? The daughter says she was in the bathroom taking a pee and she passed a bullet. The mother Explains about the bank incident years ago and all is well.
The next day the mother is in the room watching tv, she hears a bang, her sun comes running in the room yelling and crying,and before he can say anything the mother says " I know I know, you was taking a pee and you passed a bullet right"?.
The son says "No I was masturbating and I shot the dog"



Well that's my joke for this week,
Please feel free to take part in tell a joke Tuesday.

A man's point of view

Welcome to my point of view for today.

I think that today I will talk about my point of view on how the politicians have been messing up in England by spending the tax money of hard working people on the most ridicules things you can imagine. and they call it claiming for there expenses.

To me claiming expenses would be if my job dictated I had to go work at another store for the day, I would claim the bus fair, The politicians are claiming for things like having there second home and claiming the money for paying for the garden done.

One claimed expenses for a house that he had another m,p stopping at and the m,p who was stopping at the house was claiming the rent back through expenses.
Wonna hear another one?
OK one member of Parliament claimed the expenses for a moat to be dug out and cleaned in his garden.

Now they wasn't just claiming a few pounds back. They where claiming thousands.
The guy who had his moat done was claiming about 17000 pounds, the actual cost of the job was about 700 at most.

They have been claiming thousands of pounds for jobs or expenses that have been costing them just a few hundred pounds.


We elect these people to lead the country , we should be able to trust them .
They are stealing from us. we pay our taxes and we believe that they are using our tax money to pay for the services we use like hospital or fire and police. not to let the politicians have a spending spree. and one of them even claimed ten pounds back for two porno dvds

If a regular Joe did that they would be sent to prison for stealing. they would lose there job and reputation. the politicians do it and they get away with been able to stand down. admitted some did pay the money back. but they should never have done that in the first place.

kinda makes me wonder if our country is been lead buy a bunch of thief's
my mother also agrees

well thats my point of view for this week.

Photo Friday

Hello and welcome to my photo Friday for this week.

I was out in the garden last week hanging out the washing when I heard some rustling and heavy panting that seemed to be coming from this fence. I wonder can you see what was responsible?


There is something there, lurking behind the fence

Ah there he is, it's the neighbors dog.

Well that's my photo Friday for this week.

Oh a quick added bonus

Every so often I capture a picture that my mother would kill me for taking, I risk life and limb to bring you these photos, If she finds out I will perish for sure.
So here it is.




well there's my photo Friday for this week I hope you enjoy.

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Tell a joke Tuesday Spotlight

Welcome to this weeks Tell a joke Tuesday spotlight.

This week the spotlight is shining on,,,,

BRIDGET

Well done Bridget

Here is Bridget's winning joke

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to spending his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife."

And so he got his wife to promise him that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him. A short time later, he passed away.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I am a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you really did it?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can have it."



Great Joke Bridget and thankyou so much for taking part in Tell a Joke Tuesday
The spotlight is on you.

Tell a joke Tuesday

Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh.
Quick note= until further notice please leave your link in you comment thank you.



Heres my jokes and funny stuff for this week.


Top ten things to do at the shopping mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair

on the back of your knuckles permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. (Also repeat using Squirty Cheese, A Fire Extinguisher or Mace if desired.)

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of under-pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try trousers on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

What do you call a rabbit with flea's?

Bugs bunny

Jesus and the Robber One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rummaged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"




There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Well those are my jokes for this week,
please feel free to join in with tell a joke Tuesday

What could it have been?

I have possibly seen one of the strangest things in my life just the other day, in fact to be exact it was on the 30th of may at about 10:15 pm.

I was on my way from work, and I saw something in the sky, it was moving across the sky. it was a orange red kind of colour and it was burning. the flame was coming from what ever it was almost like a tail. the object it's self was round in shape and was glowing red.

It was moving very fast and I do believe it was something entering our atmosphere at great speed, I dare even say a comet but I can't be sure. There was no sound coming from the thing and it seemed at first to be heading towards the earth, but as it went across the sky it seemed to be heading back away from the earth almost like it skimmed across the edge of the atmosphere.

the object stayed visual for about 2 minutes in total and then seemed to fade away back in to space. I really do belive it was a near earth comet. Im not 100% sure but it's kind of scary if it was