Tell a joke Tuesday

Tell a joke Tuesday

Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh.
Quick note= until further notice please leave your link in you comment thank you.



Here's my jokes and funny stuff for this week.


Ireland has suffered it's worst air disaster in history when a two seater light aircraft crashed in to a local cemetery.
Emergency crews have recovered 874 body's and digging is expected to carry on through the night.



Why did batman go looking for worms?
To feed Robin.


whats a cannibals favorite party game?
Swallow my leader.



Well there are my jokes for this week.
Please feel free to take part in tell a joke tuesday

A first time prayer

Ok this is a day I will never forget , NEVER!
But in a good way

Today started with the Knock knock at my bedroom door and WAYNE!! WAKE UP = mom shouting me, it was time to go to church.
I have been a member of the latter day saints for about 6 months and I love it, I love the people I love my religion our religion.


Anyway me and mom went to church and everything was going well, I was saying hi to the people , Suddenly I feel a tapping on my shoulder, I turn around to see one of the church members.
He says to me "Wayne I was wondering if you could do something for me"?

Without hesitation I say yes thinking he was gonna ask me to help him grab something from his car or maybe just carry something for him. Believe me when I say that nothing could prepare me for what he is about to ask.

He asks me "Wayne Will you say that sacrament closing prayer?" again not realizing the implications I say yes, Straight after I realize what I have just let myself in for.
The sacrament closing prayer means I have to say a prayer for the entire church up on a stand in front of the entire church with every pair of eyes on me as I say it.
Before I can say anything els my name has been added to the list of speakers, to late to turn back now.

Lucky for me the sacrament wasn't until last thing, about 2 hours away I had plenty of time to think of my prayer. The pressure was on time was fast running out, all I had so far as my idea was the first thing that I was ment to say which is, Heavenly father.

Before I knew it I was in the second class and the last class before sacrament, I had still only the first line of my prayer. and before I knew it that class had ended, I now only had a half a hour to come up with a prayer. The bishop stood on the stand at the front and read out the list of speakers. Then he said it. Brother Wayne Webster will give the final benediction.

Time was fast running out I had to think of a prayer, I was so worried I was gonna mess up. I needed to get my ideas down on paper, kinda like a script.
I had no pen and no paper, as luck would have it I had my phone, So I used the compose message and within ten minutes I had come up with my prayer.

the speaker before me was now on the stand giving his speech, after him we would sing a hymn and then it was my time. I remember I was thinking how come when it's a normal day it seems that they talk for longer.

He closed his speech and we began to sing, as we was singing I could feel my nerves beginning to get the better of me, I was thinking to myself things like what happens if I mess up or forget my prayer. I needed to think of a way I could look at my prayer that I had composed on my phone.

I came up with a plan I would hold the phone in between my hands as I held them together that way it would just look like I was holding my hands together in prayer.

The hymn was over, this was it I walked to the front of the church and climbed the steps and walked to the stand and faced the people. all of them bowed their heads and the room went quiet I moved close to the microphone and put my hands together, my phone secretly in between my hands and I read out my prayer.

This was my prayer,,,

Heavenly father thank you for your blessings, watch over us as we travel home.
Keep us safe, Keep the spirit with us, help us to apply your teachings to our every day life, and Keep us on the path of truth and righteousness. I say these things in Jesus name, Amen

The crowd all said Amen and that was it, I turned to walk back to my seat and the bishop said thank you and that it was a wonderful prayer and he shook my hand, and the man next to him said the same and shook my hand.

I felt so relived it was over but I also felt a sense of achievement.

Wayne;s severe storm watch

This is I guess my way of trying to help people.
For years I have always been interested in bad weather such as Hurricanes and tornadoes.

Now I know the last thing anyone would want to do in the middle of a tornado is switch on their computer and read about it when it's about to blow over their houses.

This is more of a advanced warning kind of thing and mainly for hurricane or potential tornado's.

I'm not really expecting anyone to read this but however I will be posting my Wayne's severe storm watch whenever there is a hurricane or a really bad storm on the way.


Ok so here goes.

At the moment I have been tracking a weather system that is slowly moving north east just below the Mexican gulf and is gathering strength it is not yet organized enough to become a hurricane but is showing the potential to become one I will keep you all posted

Tell a joke Tuesday

Tell a joke Tuesday

Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh.
Quick note= until further notice please leave your link in you comment thank you.



Here's my jokes and funny stuff for this week.


Funny airline quotes!

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

The Driving Test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

I hope you all like my funny stuff for this week.

Please feel free to join in.

I'm so happy

Boys and girls
I am a happy man. I have finally saved up and got a ticket to go see my beautiful Jenn. I have worked so hard to get the ticket.


The second I got back to England I started saving up and I had enough a few weeks ago, however a bill came through and I had no choice but to pay it. when I did I didn't have enough for the plane ticket. I was devastated. I had worked so long and hard to get the ticket and something like that happened.

I didn't let it get me down for long, I picked my self up and motivated myself to work twice as hard and save again for the ticket. just a few days ago now I saved enough and I bought the ticket and I am so happy.

My Jenn is my life and I will do anything to be with her. I love her more than anything and to me she is the most beautiful woman in the world

Tell a joke Tuesday

Tell a joke Tuesday

Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh.
Quick note= until further notice please leave your link in you comment thank you.



Here's my jokes and funny stuff for this week.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie." Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!" There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." Stuttering Problem A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???" The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you." The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is." The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords." The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?" The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering." The guy says, "Dddo it!" The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!" The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!" here are my jokes for this week. please feel free to join in Tell a joke Tuesday I look forward to reading your jokes

I can feel the air clearing

I'm not sure if I really explained before that for the last six months me and my mother had a lodger living with us. He is my nieces boyfriend and when she fell pregnant he moved out here with no where to live. My sister asked me and my mother if we would put him up for a while, we agreed but for my nieces sake. The arrangement was it would be temporary thing, he would be looking for a job the very next day and the would be looking for place every day and should be out in a few weeks a couple of months at he most. he moved in and the days rolled past but he seemed to not be trying quite as hard as he could, neither of them seemed to be making any effort to get there own place. the days turned in to weeks and still nothing. but it was starting to become a bit of a pain. me and my mother had no space to be our selves, before he moved in I would stay down stairs and talk to my Jenn. I couldn't really do that with him sleeping on the sofa. As I am sure anyone who has been in this situation can imagine it was very restrictive, He is a good kid but I just didn't have any private time for me and Jenn anywhere beyond my own bedroom. It didn't feel fair, If I had that same chance to be with my Jenn I wouldn't waist it away sat there doing nothing, I would be out every minute of a working day looking for a job. I wouldn't care what job I did. I always said and still say now I would clean toilets full of sick and poop with my bear hands, and I would do it with a smile on my face if it ment me been with my Jenn. I will do anything to be with my Jenn. Anyway back to the story, as the weeks rolled by little progress seemed to be made by them. after about 4 months I had to say something to my niece, told her that they needed to get another place fast, the baby wouldn't wait for them to get a place and time was ticking until the baby was born. I told them they needed to get their act together there would not be enough room for them once the baby was born. I Think my words broke through, two weeks after my words, they got a place. So nearly six months after he moved in. they have their own place, I can feel the air clearing. What I mean by that is that it felt like their was no room to breath, no privacy for me and my Jenn. no time to be able to think, no freedom. But now the house is back to normal. I can think again I, I can breath and I can concentrate on the thing that is the most important thing in my life. My beautiful Jenn and getting back to her.

If there is one lesson I can teach any of you from this experience then It would be this.
Be kind and give freely and without want for reward.
but however if you should ever have a lodger that is not a relative or a loved one or a close friend then before you have them move in, place the ground rules and stick to them, and possibly most important of all put a time limit on how long they can stay before they move in. trust me on this

A man's point of view

When I was a kid in the 80's there were horrors such as Salem's lot or hell raiser. they would literally scare me to death, I would have to sleep with the light on for weeks. these movies were scary.

There were zombie movies and Dracula was still sucking blood.
Qatermass and the pit, house on haunted hill. I.T by Stephen king.

They are undisputed classics.

What ever happened to these kind of movies.

Today's horrors barley make me raise a eyebrow. they look fake and they are all remakes of the above named movies. I truly believe that they are now running out of ideas. Can you think of a horror movie beyond the year 2000 that scared you like they did in the 80's?.


I think the last movie that scared me was called devils advocate. it is a awesome movie and I would recommend it to anyone out there.

Maybe its not the movie retail business that's dying but in fact the the movie making side of it that's running dry of ideas, who knows.

Tell a joke Tuesday Spotlight

Welcome to tell a joke Tuesday spotlight.

This week the spotlight is shining on,,,,

Jillien.

Well done Jillien.

Here is your winning joke.

A man walks into a psychologist office wearing nothing but a see-thru shower curtain.. The psychologist turns to the man and after a moment's evaluation, he says: "I can clearly see your nuts."

Great joke.

Jillien this weeks spotlight is on you.

Tell a joke Tuesday

Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh.
Quick note= until further notice please leave your link in you comment thank you.



Here's my jokes and funny stuff for this week.


A pregnant woman is involved in a bank robbery and gets shot three times. She slips in to a coma for three months. When she awakens the first thing she notices is her stomach is flat. She shouts for the doctor who enters the room and explains that she was shot in the stomach three times and the shock sent her in to a coma, He also explained that she gave birth to three healthy children two girls and one boy she is sent home and 18 years pass by.
She is at home and is preparing lunch for the kids, suddenly one of the daughters comes running down the stairs crying and screaming. the mother calms her down and asks what had happened, the daughter explains that she had gone to the bathroom and while she was pooping bullet fell i to the toilet and it came from her behind. The mother realises what happened and explains to the daughter about the incident years ago.
The next day the mother is in the garden hanging the washing her other daughter comes running out crying and screaming, the mother says whats wrong? The daughter says she was in the bathroom taking a pee and she passed a bullet. The mother Explains about the bank incident years ago and all is well.
The next day the mother is in the room watching tv, she hears a bang, her sun comes running in the room yelling and crying,and before he can say anything the mother says " I know I know, you was taking a pee and you passed a bullet right"?.
The son says "No I was masturbating and I shot the dog"



Well that's my joke for this week,
Please feel free to take part in tell a joke Tuesday.

A man's point of view

Welcome to my point of view for today.

I think that today I will talk about my point of view on how the politicians have been messing up in England by spending the tax money of hard working people on the most ridicules things you can imagine. and they call it claiming for there expenses.

To me claiming expenses would be if my job dictated I had to go work at another store for the day, I would claim the bus fair, The politicians are claiming for things like having there second home and claiming the money for paying for the garden done.

One claimed expenses for a house that he had another m,p stopping at and the m,p who was stopping at the house was claiming the rent back through expenses.
Wonna hear another one?
OK one member of Parliament claimed the expenses for a moat to be dug out and cleaned in his garden.

Now they wasn't just claiming a few pounds back. They where claiming thousands.
The guy who had his moat done was claiming about 17000 pounds, the actual cost of the job was about 700 at most.

They have been claiming thousands of pounds for jobs or expenses that have been costing them just a few hundred pounds.


We elect these people to lead the country , we should be able to trust them .
They are stealing from us. we pay our taxes and we believe that they are using our tax money to pay for the services we use like hospital or fire and police. not to let the politicians have a spending spree. and one of them even claimed ten pounds back for two porno dvds

If a regular Joe did that they would be sent to prison for stealing. they would lose there job and reputation. the politicians do it and they get away with been able to stand down. admitted some did pay the money back. but they should never have done that in the first place.

kinda makes me wonder if our country is been lead buy a bunch of thief's
my mother also agrees

well thats my point of view for this week.

Photo Friday

Hello and welcome to my photo Friday for this week.

I was out in the garden last week hanging out the washing when I heard some rustling and heavy panting that seemed to be coming from this fence. I wonder can you see what was responsible?


There is something there, lurking behind the fence

Ah there he is, it's the neighbors dog.

Well that's my photo Friday for this week.

Oh a quick added bonus

Every so often I capture a picture that my mother would kill me for taking, I risk life and limb to bring you these photos, If she finds out I will perish for sure.
So here it is.




well there's my photo Friday for this week I hope you enjoy.

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Tell a joke Tuesday Spotlight

Welcome to this weeks Tell a joke Tuesday spotlight.

This week the spotlight is shining on,,,,

BRIDGET

Well done Bridget

Here is Bridget's winning joke

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to spending his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife."

And so he got his wife to promise him that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him. A short time later, he passed away.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I am a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you really did it?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can have it."



Great Joke Bridget and thankyou so much for taking part in Tell a Joke Tuesday
The spotlight is on you.

Tell a joke Tuesday

Welcome to TELL A JOKE TUESDAY were you can tell your jokes or funny stories and make the world laugh.
Quick note= until further notice please leave your link in you comment thank you.



Heres my jokes and funny stuff for this week.


Top ten things to do at the shopping mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair

on the back of your knuckles permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. (Also repeat using Squirty Cheese, A Fire Extinguisher or Mace if desired.)

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of under-pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try trousers on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

What do you call a rabbit with flea's?

Bugs bunny

Jesus and the Robber One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rummaged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"




There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Well those are my jokes for this week,
please feel free to join in with tell a joke Tuesday

What could it have been?

I have possibly seen one of the strangest things in my life just the other day, in fact to be exact it was on the 30th of may at about 10:15 pm.

I was on my way from work, and I saw something in the sky, it was moving across the sky. it was a orange red kind of colour and it was burning. the flame was coming from what ever it was almost like a tail. the object it's self was round in shape and was glowing red.

It was moving very fast and I do believe it was something entering our atmosphere at great speed, I dare even say a comet but I can't be sure. There was no sound coming from the thing and it seemed at first to be heading towards the earth, but as it went across the sky it seemed to be heading back away from the earth almost like it skimmed across the edge of the atmosphere.

the object stayed visual for about 2 minutes in total and then seemed to fade away back in to space. I really do belive it was a near earth comet. Im not 100% sure but it's kind of scary if it was